My Body is Why -By AJ Rush

My body is why

I have two miracles,

two miracles who were

kept safe and warm

in my womb.

Two miracles that I have

nourished

with milk produced

over my heart.

Two miracles I keep alive

with arms to hug

and hands to protect.

But my body is also why

I struggled to have my miracles.

My first miracle was

sliced from my body.

My body chose

over 36 hours of

throbbing, burning,

aching, cruel,

constant, gut-churning

pain

only to yield to the knife.

The sheet blocking my view,

my guts on my chest,

I couldn’t see him

as he emerged,

shouting his way into the world.

I couldn’t bond with him.

Was he even mine?

My body is why

it took 7 years

for my second miracle,

conceived with desperate

uncertainty.

My body is the reason

for the trauma

when told that my pain was

“the new normal”

by my first doctor

after he delivered my first miracle.

It’s why,

when I voiced fears

over a possible miscarriage,

I was told by my second doctor,

“You probably have a little endo,

but you don’t want

laparoscopic surgery.

It’s invasive.

Go home. Relax.

Have some wine­—it’s fine!

We’re a baby-making

FACTORY!”

It’s why I was told

by the ninth doctor

(or maybe it was the tenth)

that the cure

for the

constant, aching, throbbing, twisting

endo pain

was

getting pregnant.

My body is why

I injected myself

daily

for months.

It’s why blood spurted

on the white tile floor,

why I called out

to my first miracle

to go get daddy.

It’s why I still cry,

thinking of the

failed egg transfer

and the sonogram picture,

“the first baby picture,”

given to me by

an insensitive doctor

who told me what he was doing

to my body

like he was on a 2-day binger

at the speed with which

an auctioneer sells off

things, items.

We were, after all,

just patient numbers.

But my body is why

my second miracle is now here.

It’s why I can sit

and cradle him

and kiss his plump little lips

and gently roll his tiny toes

between my fingers.

It’s why I watch,

my heart throbbing

with a new pain,

as my second miracle’s face

lights up

upon seeing my first miracle

bounce into the room asking,

“Where’s my baby?”

It’s why I sit,

watching them,

and celebrate life

and my body

for all its beauty

and its uncertainties

and its perfect imperfections.

_________________________________

AJ Rush has been teaching writing and literature at local high schools and colleges for 14 years in New York state. Her love for teaching easily translated into a desire to share her own thoughts with the world, no matter how near or far, light or dark. In addition to her most recent piece, "My Body Is Why," for Bangs, Rush has edited for and been published in Read Only Magazine. Her published work includes a poem entitled "A Real Pill for the Good Doctor" and an article entitled "Pixels for Pals: Navigating a Child Through a Pandemic." 

IG: @_aj_rush

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